things i want to remember to say to nick tomorrow to make up for ridiculousness of tonight:

dear dom- the most unfortunate thing about our relationship is that now i can't stop thinking about how i would love for you to hold me when i fall asleep at night. perhaps to most that is not something that means much, but for me it means the world. i do not allow boys to hold me. i do not spend the night with boys. for me, cuddling or that sort of contact is reserved for... presently no one. i can't desire that from you any longer.

you are emotionally involved with others and i will not begin to allow myself to do the "what if" scenario because there is nothing to what if. we are not together. period. i've never been happier. period. i'm going back to school and i'm taking a break from you. soon i will forget how much i miss you and you will forget the same. then we will never make the mistake again to remind ourselves that one of us possibly misses the other.


i refuse to put myself out there and i especially refuse to do so for you. as always, i love you forever (unfortunately). it's a fate i can't escape, but i will continue to try my hardest to run away until one day it is true.